Souvenirs
by Vice Admiral Kathryn Janeway
Summary: Jaffen's voice is gentle and steady, much like the hand holding out the odd little knickknacks Kathryn collected back on the planet. Her eyes burn at the thought of losing this extraordinary man, the last link she has to the woman she was before Captain Janeway became her sole identity. (AU story set after "Workforce")
1. Don't Go

**Disclaimer: **Star Trek and its characters don't belong to me. I just take them out to play and promise to have them home at a reasonable time.

**Author's Note: **I don't know why my muse thinks it's funny to hurt me but I've had a lot of Janeway/Jaffen feels lately and my muse refused to let me work on anything else until I wrote this first chapter. I've got several chapters written so this should have a regular update schedule but I promise nothing. The rating stands for now, though it may change in later chapters. This is unbeta'd so all mistakes are, as always, my own.

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><p>"I thought you might like these back, to remind you of our time together."<p>

Jaffen's voice is gentle and steady, much like the hand holding out the odd little knickknacks Kathryn collected back on the planet. Her eyes burn at the thought of losing this extraordinary man, the last link she has to the woman she was before Captain Janeway became her sole identity. The takeover was gradual enough that she didn't even realize she was losing herself until she was free to be just Kathryn on Quarra, an insignificant face among a sea of workers. Her memories had been tampered with but she'd been happy; no crushing responsibility, nothing to worry about other than keeping her console happy at the plant, and a man who genuinely cared for her.

His kind eyes catch and hold her attention, speaking to her more than his words ever could. She sees his pain and his affection, the troubling conundrum he faces in being forced to let her go when it's obviously not at all what he wants to do. Reaching up to touch his arm lightly, Kathryn shakes her head and struggles to find her voice under the crush of emotion she feels.

"I won't need souvenirs to remember you," she whispers, her lip trembling as she loses the fight against the tears that started building back in Sickbay. She's not sure who moves first but they're in each other's arms, holding on as if their lives depend on it - maybe they do. She doesn't want to let go of this man, this sweet man who brought Kathryn out from under Captain Janeway's iron-fisted control and, if his desperate embrace is anything to judge by, Jaffen feels the same. The tears, when they finally come, fall unheeded as they hold each other tightly.

"I don't want to go," Jaffen whispers in her ear, his arms tightening around her. Kathryn chokes out a laugh, though it ends in a sob.

"I don't want you to go either," she replies and the tremor in her voice makes her cringe. "But I told you, it'd be inappropriate for the captain to have a relationship with a member of her crew."

"Then I won't be a member of your crew," he says. "I'll stay on as a civilian contractor."

Pulling back a little from his embrace, Kathryn stares at him in shock and whispers, "That's . . . That's a technicality."

"Tell me you really don't want me to stay and I won't," he says. Her heart constricts as she shakes her head emphatically, wide eyes still locked onto his.

"I don't want you to go, Jaffen, I really don't. But I don't know how I can justify letting you stay just because I don't want to be alone anymore." Her voice is tired as she pulls away from him completely now, moving to stare out of the viewport. The unfamiliar stars mock her, promising a long journey ahead, one that's solitary and lonely if she chooses wrong. When his arms wrap around her waist, she leans back against his chest and sighs heavily. "I don't want to continue the trek home without you. I've known you for such a short time but you're so important to me."

"Then let me come with you, with Voyager. Let me make things easier for you, Kathryn, and help you carry the heavy load you bear," he says softly. "You're too important to me and I don't think I can just walk away."

They stand in silence for a long while, both keeping their eyes on the stars. Her mind is torn between being happy and being the captain. Her words are quiet when she finally speaks.

"I don't know how to do this," she admits. "I don't know how to be the captain and justify my own personal happiness when my crew is so far from their families."

"They're happy on Voyager, Kathryn. Have you watched them together? I've only been onboard for a few hours but even I can see it; they're a family, your crew. They miss their families in the Alpha Quadrant, yes, but they're a family now and they're happy. You can have that too, if you'd let yourself. They would understand and be happy for you, for us."

His words wash over her and while she wants to argue with him, she knows he's right. She's used her position and guilt over stranding Voyager in the Delta Quadrant as a means to keep herself focused on getting her people home but she knows, deep in her heart, that Jaffen's observation is true; her crew is a family and wouldn't be opposed to her having a life. Chakotay's told her as much, several times over the years, but Kathryn's guilt hasn't allowed her to be happy. Now Jaffen is offering happiness and stability and all she has to do is accept it.

"I'm going to slip up," she says, shaking her head. "You're going to be terribly frustrated with me a lot because I'm going to have to be reminded of that often."

His arms tighten around her and her breath catches in her chest when she realizes he's shaking. Turning in his arms, she slips her arms around his neck and rests her forehead against his.

"You won't regret this," he whispers and she laughs weakly.

"No, but you will. I suspect you'll have my murder plotted out several times before I get it through my thick skull that I'm allowed to be happy and that my happiness is with you."

Their lips meet in a gentle kiss and he pulls her closer, shaking his head as he holds her close and says, "We'll work through it together, Kathryn. We'll find a way to make this work and we'll be happy."

Voyager is leaving orbit in an hour and she'll have to be on the Bridge to set her ship back on its way to Earth but she doesn't have to leave yet so, with a smile, she leads Jaffen over to the sofa, pulling him down to sit next to her. They hold each other tightly, murmuring gently as they enjoy the moment. They're not naive; they recognize that things won't be easy but they have each other and that's enough to make the journey seem less daunting.


	2. Shared Quarters

**Disclaimer: **Star Trek and its characters don't belong to me. I just take them out to play and promise to have them home at a reasonable time.

**Author's Note: **I don't even know what my muse is doing anymore. This is unbeta'd so all mistakes are, as always, my own.

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><p>Jaffen accompanies her to the Bridge when it's time to set Voyager back on course for the Alpha Quadrant. After ordering Tom to take the ship to warp and again reassuring Chakotay that she's happy to be back, Kathryn hands the Bridge off to her first officer and motions for Jaffen to follow her to her Ready Room. When the door slides shut behind them, she smiles up at him and tilts her head at the chair in front of her desk.<p>

"Let's get you registered in the crew manifest as a civilian engineering consultant," she says as she sits in her chair. Jaffen returns her smile and sits, leaning forward to watch her work. Pulling up the crew manifest on her console, Kathryn taps in a few commands and then stops, a frown forming as she stares at the screen before her.

"What's wrong?" Jaffen asks, his voice concerned.

"I didn't think about quarters," she replies, glancing up at him. "I just assumed that you'd stay in mine. It didn't occur to me until just now that you might want your own space."

"I asked you to move in with me on Quarra, didn't I?" he says lightly. "I don't need my own space; Kate." He looks unsure suddenly. "Unless you need space."

"I just didn't want to ignore your needs. I'm happy to share quarters with you, Jaffen," she soothes, reaching across the desk to touch his hand. A few more keystrokes and the deed is done; for the first time, the captain's quarters are listed as shared quarters. Kathryn's caught off-guard by the surge of emotion that comes with that realization but she shakes it off. "I'm off duty for the next two days, per Doctor's orders, so we'll have time to settle in after we stop by Sickbay for the Doctor's all-clear."

They make their way back onto the Bridge and Kathryn stops for a moment to talk to Chakotay, letting him know that the Doctor's insisted she take two days off. He looks shocked that she's complying without complaint, though Kathryn doesn't miss the way his eyes stray to Jaffen more than a few times; she informed him earlier that Jaffen is staying onboard and he congratulated her on finally thinking of her own happiness. Patting Chakotay's shoulder and offering him a smile, she leaves the Bridge in his capable hands and heads for the turbolift. Jaffen follows and they stand side-by-side in the 'lift, the silence comforting while they wait for their destination.

The Doctor is pleased to declare her perfectly normal and is even more pleased to hear that she's taking two days off without fighting him. His smug grin irritates her but Jaffen's gentle hand on her lower back keeps her from snarking; she finds she's less high strung with his presence. They speak quietly while the Doctor runs standard tests on Jaffen, logging his physiology in the computer for the official record.

"Welcome to Voyager, Mister Jaffen," the Doctor says. "Your records are complete and I'm happy to say you're a healthy Norvalian male."

"Thank you, Doctor. I know I'll be in good hands should I need medical assistance," he replies and Kathryn smiles at the look of pride on the hologram's face. When she and Jaffen are in the corridor outside Sickbay, Kathryn can't help her laughter.

"You truly stroked his ego," she gasps through hiccups of laughter. Jaffen looks pleased with himself as he slips an arm around her waist.

"He seems like the sort of man who appreciates a little compliment," he says, grinning unrepentantly at her. She nods, mirroring his action as she wraps her arm around his waist.

"He really is. If you ever want to really get on his good side, compliment his singing."

They spend an hour touring the ship, letting Jaffen get acquainted with his new home. Their stop in Engineering is brief, since B'Elanna isn't back on duty yet, but Jaffen's clearly intrigued by the warp core and readings on the consoles. Kathryn stands back and lets him get his fill, enjoying the way he flits from station to station with an enthusiasm she rarely sees in Engineering. When he's done admiring her ship, they make their way to the Mess Hall and are promptly greeted by Neelix.

"It's so good to see you well, Captain!" The morale officer beams at her before turning to Jaffen and extending his hand. "And you must be Jaffen!"

"Thank you, Neelix," Kathryn says, smiling at the enthusiastic handshake Jaffen's receiving. After a moment, she decides to spare him. "Jaffen and I are just stopping in to say hello and check up on crew morale."

"There's a lot of tension," Neelix admits as he releases Jaffen's hand and looks around the crowded Mess Hall. "A lot of people are conflicted about the lives they lead on the planet and how relationships started there are going to transfer here." He looks up and beams at Jaffen. "But we're very happy to have you with us, Jaffen. If you need anything at all, I'm only a call away."

Kathryn's quiet on the way back to their quarters, her mind running over what Neelix said about morale. She makes a mental note to encourage Neelix to plan a party, though she knows he's always ready and willing to throw a party. This time she's certain a 'Welcome Home' party is just what her crew needs.

"You seem a thousand lightyears away, Kate. What's going on?" Jaffen asks. Kathryn turns to smile at him, shaking her head slightly as they make their way to the sofa.

"Sorry, I was just thinking about crew morale," she answers, sitting. "This was a hard experience for people and I'm worried about them. They're a resilient crew and they'll get through this with flying colors but I'm concerned."

"That's what makes you such a good captain," he says as he sits and wraps his arms around her as she settles against him. He presses a kiss to her temple and she leans into him a little more, sighing happily.


End file.
